As I write these words three children (one of which had childhood cancer), four moves - nine houses (figure that one out), and fourteen years of ministry later, I now realize how crucial it is to grasp God's purpose and plan for marriage. During our engagement my expectations of marriage reflected reasonable and God-given desires. I wanted companionship, affection, someone to share life with. However, often times my motives and strategies for pursuing these desires were self-centered. Unfortunately, too many couples enter marriage with a "consumer mentality," each person focusing on his or her own happiness rather than that of his or her partner. In other words, "I'll marry this person because of what he or she will give to me."

God's Purposes

God's purposes for marriage are much higher and greater than our own. In Genesis 2:18 when God said it is not good for man to be alone, He created Eve as an answer to that aloneness. Even though Adam had a perfect relationship with God, a perfect environment, and had all the possessions he wanted there was still a void of intimacy in Adam's life. This intimacy blends two individuals into oneness and sameness. Eve was made for Adam to become a suitable helper, a woman that would complement and complete him in every way. In all of life's struggles, pain, and disappointment, you will need each other's companionship and intimacy. This intimacy develops from an attitude of servanthood in seeking to meet each other's needs and desires.

You can only have this attitude as you realize that your ultimate well-being depends on God and not fully on your spouse. Only when I allow my relationship with God to be the most important relationship in my life can I find a sense of security, fulfillment, and satisfaction that does not depend on my husband’s response. I can love Byron out of the love I received from Christ and then use that love to help meet needs in my husband's life.

God ordained marriage to be an earthly picture of the relationship between Christ and the Church. Jesus Christ's love for the Church, according to Ephesians 5, is sacrificial and unconditional. He laid down His life to present the church, His bride, whole and complete. Likewise, when a husband and wife love each other as they do their own bodies, nurturing and caring for each other, they live out the beautiful picture of Christ’s oneness with the Church.

Understanding the Purpose

Our journey in understanding God's purpose for marriage has been filled with ups and downs and many pleasant surprises as well as heartaches along the way. And I write with a heart of gratitude to God for giving me a wonderful and fulfilling marriage characterized by intimacy and oneness.

Every engaged couple enters their wedding day with hopes of a satisfying and close companionship together. Why is it, then, that for many excited newlyweds their hopes fade as the years go by and isolation replaces oneness? Neither feels loved, respected, or understood? Romance is replaced with boredom? Good marriages don't just fall out of the sky; they require commitment.

For those who seek His wisdom above their own, He has a plan and provides the power to live it out. Proverbs 24:3-4 says it best, " By wisdom a house is built and through understanding it is established, through knowledge it's rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures." Where does this wisdom come from? Proverbs 2:6 says "For the Lord gives wisdom and from His mouth comes knowledge and understanding." So, dependence on God is foundational to a healthy marriage.

The task of developing oneness will probably be one of the most challenging jobs you will ever face in developing a healthy marriage. Apart from a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, oneness in your marriage will never be fully realized. After all, it was God who created marriage for our well-being. Therefore, His plans, purposes, and ways can be trusted. God gently reminds us in Jeremiah 29:11, "I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you a future and a hope."

Even in the midst of God's plan, our marriage has not been easy. Life's disappointments and irritations and our own self-centeredness remind us often how much we need a Savior. It makes sense that so many marriages fail in America; since Christ is not central for most couples and a consumer view of marriage is the norm, self-centeredness erodes intimacy and companionship. Without Christ, the vows promised at the altar can never be fully realized.

The key to a healthy marriage is for each of you to focus on becoming the person God created you to be. As author David Egner states, "The issue is not just what our Lord says about marriage. Solutions are found by discovering what He has said about basic issues of faith and character and then applying those perspectives to the seasons of marriage."

It is our prayer in the coming months of preparation for your wedding day, that the consuming details of the ceremony, the showers, the invitations, the honeymoon, etc. will not overshadow the more important matter of preparing your heart for a lifetime of intimacy and companionship with your spouse. And on your wedding day, when you begin your vow…"I take thee to be my wedded husband (or wife)…" may you fully understand the significance of your words.