Why it is important to wait until after the wedding to open gifts?  I know there is an honorable time for opening gifts after you say "I do" instead of days before the actual wedding. How do I convey the honorable way of doing things. The best thing I was able to come up with was that the bride and groom are packages that can't be opened until they say "I do", thus consummation of the marriage. Also Like our Lord who has a special time when He will come for His Bride, the church. We keep ourselves pure until then.   Can you explain the the tradition and why we wait until after to open presents instead of just opening them as they are delivered because a loved one couldn't attend the wedding?

---

I'm not sure I've ever heard anyone explain so sweetly what my heart always said should be done.  I'm not sure you can change the brides mind, but certainly you have presented an impressive and meaningful argument for waiting.  If I was one of your younger daughters, I think that would stick in my mind for when my turn came to wed. 

However, actually, your daughter may well be reacting based on some
other influences to what tradition dictates in this situation.  I know
that at the time I was wed many years ago, I knew a lot about wedding
dresses, but not much about wedding tradition---- mostly what I saw from Elizabeth Taylor in the original "Father of the Bride" movie and other
Hollywood versions of wedding etiquette.   Since then, of course, I have
had an opportunity to think about and research many wedding traditions,
and I will share with you what I've found.

Up until at least the 1980s, in strictest social circles, wedding gifts
WERE delivered before the wedding (especially costly ones) and were both opened immediately *and* displayed overtly in the bride's parents' home. I'm not sure, frankly, if this is still done in wealthy and/or strict
social circles, but it's not generally done in the average family. 

There were a couple reasons for this practice, from what I can gather.

Probably the main one was not all that admirable-- it seems to have been a pride thing, like in ancient times you'd show off the bride's dowry.
If she was wed-off with lots of cows, she was a worthy young woman-- and perhaps it was considered the same if she received lots of fine china.  

The more practical reason for opening gifts ahead (and sending them
ahead) was that wedding gifts are often expensive and/or fragile.  By
having them delivered directly to the bride's/parents' home, rather than
bringing them to the wedding, guests could reduce the possibility of both
breakage and/or theft or loss.  I can see that reasoning.  I know I've
been nervous carrying around fragile or expensive (well, expensive to
ME! <smile>) gifts to receptions.  

I know that, too, one of my in-laws recommended opening at least one
gift upon delivery because she said it would be better to find out right
away if it had been damaged during delivery, than to wait and find out
weeks later (and right before we left for an extended honeymoon trip.)
I can see the sense in that.

However, as I mentioned, I personally now agree with you that despite
some etiquette and traditions to the contrary, the more GRACIOUS and
appropriate thing to do is to wait.

I actually also believe now that wedding gifts are best opened by the
bride and groom in private, so that they can really concentrate on what
they received and who was so generous to bestow each gift-- and so it's not a "look what we got" big social thing.  I found our wedding gifts
actually quite humbling--our small guest list of family and close
friends were so generous-- and I was glad that my husband and I opened
them in private.

I'm afraid that over the years, I've developed a number of different
opinions on gifts and gift-giving for weddings in general.  I keep saying I need to write an editorial about the subject to put some
different "spin" on the whole issue of giving and getting wedding gifts.


To me, your daughter's desire to open her gifts when they arrive is much
less offensive (and much more understandable) than truly presumptuous
things I hear from and about other brides and grooms who, for example,
ask only for cash not gifts, or register for only outrageously expensive
items.  Many of the current gift-related trends really cheapen both the
occasion and the couples' relationship with their guests--- making it
"about the gifts", not about the commitment.

Please excuse my "soapbox".  As I said, it's a touchy subject to me.    

At any rate, in your case, as I said, I think you've already made your
case in about as persuasive a way as you can.  At this point, the
decision is going to be up to your daughter. 

Remember, too, that she is entering another family, and she may well be
getting conflicting ideas and input from her future husband and/or
future in-laws than what she's hearing from you.  If they are working on
the traditional rules of etiquette, they aren't wrong, and your daughter's actions not technically inappropriate-- although you and I might have different values on the subject.   She's not behaving badly, according to accepted practice, if she chooses to open gifts ahead.

Like many times in parenthood, I think this may be one of the times when
you present your opinion to *all* your daughters-- and now our comments, if you wish--  and then try to accept their decisions and values, knowing that they at least formed them with full information. 

I hope that these comments are of some help to you.

With all good wishes to you and yours, and special hopes for a long and
happy marriage for your daughter who's about to wed---

Sara L. Ambarian-- staff expert for ForeverWed.com
author of "A Bride's Touch: A Handbook of Wedding Personality and
Inspiration"/
creative consultant/custom bridal designer
mailto:sara@foreverwed.com
For more wedding information:
http://www.foreverwed.com/~sara

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