Just as a committed couple's first turn on the dance floor
doesn't really happen at the wedding reception; their relationship doesn't really begin at
the wedding. A couple does a lot of negotiating about the patterns and rules of their
emerging partnership long before the day of the wedding. The wedding really doesn't make
the partnership. That creative work begins at the "continental divide" in their
relationship when a couple agrees to leave courtship behind and full commitment opens the
door to a future together.
Courtship has its own set of rules. There's even a book
outlining courtship rules. But full commitment brings the necessity for a new set of
rules. For example, you may find it increasingly important to let your partner know
exactly what you really think and feel. (Before your mutual commitment, it was appropriate
and acceptable to keep some things to yourself.) The relationship's new level of emotional
closeness may demand changes in the way you communicate and what you need to talk about.
As fully-invested partners in the life you now share, it
gets harder to let misunderstandings slide. You may fight more, rather than less, as joint
decision-making becomes more appropriate and necessary. Old family scripts about what
partners "should" do and how they "should" treat each other may emerge
in a fully committed relationship although they never surfaced during dating and
courtship.
At that pivotal, creative moment in your relationship, you
face each other as if the music was about to start for your first dance together. You've
never really "danced" with this person before, in the context of the full
commitment you now have. How will the two of you really put it all together, now that
courtship has been replaced by a present and future partnership? Who will lead and who
will follow in this situation or that circumstance? How will you make decisions together,
now that there are real-life decisions to be made?
What will your emotional rhythms be like; and can the two
of you dance through them together? Will your partner take your strengths and weaknesses
into account as you create your "dance" patterns, and are you willing to do the
same? Will you capitalize on your strengths or be frustrated with each other about your
"rough spots"?
By the time the wedding day arrives, the two of you will
have worked out & perhaps without realizing it & many of the rules you will
follow and patterns you will replay in your second and five-hundredth partnership
"dance" together. The "first dance" decisions you make consciously or
unconsciously will set the pattern of your partnership for years!
It's easy to be distracted by the looming reality of the
wedding day on the horizon. But the first dance negotiations about your relationship will
proceed unconsciously if you don't pay attention to the process. If you are currently
engaged, or in the first few years of your marriage, important decisions about your
relationship's unique "dance pattern" may have been made while you are (or were)
distracted by the looming reality of The Wedding. In the chapters that follow I will
outline segments of the "first dance" negotiations couples do which are
especially important.
Anything that involves imperfect human beings is usually
far from perfect. The relationship the two of you create will be a mixture of nourishment
and challenge, hard work and delight. That's not a problem. It is important, however, to
take a conscious look at the patterns you are setting in place. You can't change anything
until you know what is. Until you take a good look at your first dance, your relationship
may be on a kind of automatic pilot.
Reviewing issues couples encounter in their "first
dance" may help you notice patterns of your relationship dance that need
renegotiation:
- how you handle the fact of difference;
- the relationship of talk and intimacy;
- sex and touching;
- emotional communication, especially those uncomfortable feelings of anger and jealousy;
- issues you bring to your relationship from your family of origin and
- expectations you have of your partner to change, now that you are in a mutually
committed relationship.
The goal is to make the relationship better! It doesn't get
better by keeping the sore spots hidden from yourself and/or your partner. Get it out on
the table in the context of love and concern! Name it! It's the first step to relationship
growth.
The dance-like patterns of a good relationship are the
result of intention and practice. If you and your partner are committed to being a great
"dance" team, use your first dance as a resource to discover what you need to
work on the most.
- Discuss and replay different aspects of your
"dance," & your patterns of relationship & realizing you can't read each
other's minds.
- Practice.
- Offer each other constructive criticism and coaching.
- Practice some more.
- Observe how others "dance" their relationship
and, although your dance will be uniquely your own, learn from studying other
"dancing" couples.
- And practice.
