Finding a home church as a newlywed couple

"I once watched a couple of [engaged] friends erupt into an ugly battle over this very topic," one newlywed comments. "Ironically, their original discussion had been about how where to attend church wasn't going to be an issue between them."

When the groom has been attending the same church for years and the bride has been involved in her own church since childhood, how do couples decide what house of worship to attend? His? Hers? Another one entirely? The question, as demonstrated by the unexpected flare-up described above, has the potential to become a hot spot. Many couples are unprepared for the emotional turmoil connected with choosing a church.

A significant percentage of couples avoid the "his or hersâ" question by launching out together at a totally new place. "If you go to your folks' church or her folks' church, you find yourself in an environment where one of you is well-known and the other feels somewhat like an outsider," says Jon Baugh, a computer consultant who's been married for 18 months.

"You don't have the we're getting to know people thing. Most relationships will be already defined by who your spouse already knows and hangs out with, and you find yourself the newcomer in a group of friends who have been so for years."

"That was a struggle for my husband," says Lisa Babcock, married now for ten months to husband Adrian. "I had grown up in my church, and it was a big deal to him that he was always known as 'Lisa's husband.' He felt more that he was there with me, instead of us being there together. So starting at a totally new place would give us the opportunity to begin as a team. People would know us as the Babcocks or as a couple, instead of as individuals."

Others choose to begin at a new house of worship for different reasons. Nate Gast and his wife Kiersten, married five months, chose to attend a church that was affiliated with the one his parents attended but was not the same church. "We kind of wanted to branch out and break that little umbilical cord," he says. "Since we live fairly close to my parents, it was just another sort of 'space' factor. I wanted to reassure Kiersten that we could worship and do some of these things separate from them."

Making the decision to begin somewhere new means narrowing the options in order to find the right church. "Jen and I came from two different denominations," says Derek Fisher, who wed Jennifer last summer. "When we began to look for a church to attend as a couple, we first looked at both of those denominations. We then decided which church to attend based on the friendliness of the people, the doctrine and the style of worship. We ended up choosing a church in one of our denominations but it was an informed mutual decision, not 'brand loyalty.' We chose the church we did because the people were friendly and we felt we would have a chance to get involved quickly."

"Brand loyalty," as Fisher terms it, seems to play a fairly small role in the decision-making process, as none of the couples interviewed said they chose a church based on whether it was within the denomination in which they'd grown up. Many started their search within a familiar denomination, but none made their decision based solely on that factor.

Nonetheless, theology is taken into account. "Doctrine is very important," says Baugh. Babcock agrees, "We wanted a pastor that taught from the Bible, with a lot of life-application."

The majority of the couples agree that having a mental list of the church qualities that are important to you can make it easier to find what you seek. "We were looking for a church that was similar to those we each attended while growing up," says software engineer Trevor Fletcher, who with his bride Jackie began the search for a church during their engagement. "We've now become very comfortable with one. The teachings are very similar to what we grew up with, and we enjoy the atmosphere and the people. Jackie's also very much into the worship and praise music, as I am, and we think we've found a church that incorporates all those things. The church also has classes for young married and engaged couples, providing important contacts for them, which was a real bonus."

"When we started to search we wrote down the things that we wanted in a church," Babcock says. "We wanted a congregation that had all ages in itÑincluding couples our age without children, since that's where we were. We also wanted a place where we could both have ministry opportunities."

Baugh says that music plays a part in his search for a church. "I feel it's a way that I can contribute to a church, so it's important to me to be able to participate in a choir or something similar."

Location may or may not be a factor. Danny Eggleston and his fianceŽ Jamie Fritz have chosen to worship at the church that Danny attended during college, despite the fact that it's not nearby. "It's a 35-minute drive to church," he says.

Others, however, put more emphasis on proximity. "If you're planning on doing more than just Sunday service, the church needs to be fairly close," Baugh says, "otherwise you won't articipate in other church activities."

Interestingly, almost all the couples interviewed seemed to have solved the church-attendance dilemma by choosing a completely new place together rather than attending a church previously attended by either individual, though that is certainly an option. Some couples may be tempted to "split the differenceâ" and try to attend both of their individual churches, but it's best to find one church that can be your home as a couple. It's easiest to do this early in your marriage.

Keep in mind that it may not be possible to evaluate a church fairly in only one visit. The Babcocks made a point of attending each church more than once to get a feel for what it was like. As a final note, Babcock advocates patience. If you're losing count of the number of churches you've visited, don't despair.

"We looked for eight months before we found a church," she says. "So don't give up, even though the search can become frustrating." CB